What I got wrong the first time I gave feedback as a boss

As a new technical leader, you’ve probably had a moment where you knew you were right — and it still went sideways.

You had the facts.

You had the logic.

And somehow the other person walked away feeling attacked instead of helped.

🤔 Have you ever delivered feedback that was completely correct… and completely landed wrong?

This showed up for me early in my leadership journey, at a steel mill.

I had the honour of managing a man who’d been my mentor during my co-op placement, back when I was finishing my engineering degree. As a co-op student, our working relationship was easy — we were buddies. Then I graduated and got hired on to supervise the environmental department. I was stoked. He was now reporting to me.

At first, the friendliness continued. But as I got my feet wet, I noticed something that needed to change.

He had a strong desire to help — you could see it fuel him every day. One day, he took on a task meant to be helpful that I saw as a serious liability.

In this situation, a colleague of his needed to go inside an empty fuel vessel to inspect its structure – this happens often in a maintenance program in industry. It is the direct supervisor’s job of that colleague — not his — to take an air sample before anyone enters, to confirm the environment is safe for work (that there is enough oxygen to breath!).

Get it wrong, and someone could die.

I was worried about what would happen if something went wrong – not that he wasn’t good at it, but it was someone else’s responsibility. So, I confronted him and told him he shouldn’t be doing that.

He didn’t see it my way. He thought I was controlling; taking away something he found meaningful.

Ouf. Not how I meant it. Not one bit.

Here’s the trap: My reasoning felt so sound, it would just make sense. I cared about him deeply — but my communication didn’t reflect that at all.
I led with the correction and skipped the connection, and he had no way of knowing the care was even there.

Here’s the Shift I needed to make

From → leading with the facts and assuming logic will land
To → leading with connection so the facts have somewhere to land

From → correcting the behaviour
To → inviting him into the solution

From → “I told him so”
To → he owns the change himself

What I needed was a better framework — one that communicates why I’m giving feedback in the first place, not just what needs to change. That’s what eventually became the CARE model I now teach.

The CARE Model of Feedback

✨ Connect — Before anything else, express that you care about their wellbeing and their success. Don’t open with the change. Start with the relationship.

✨ Acknowledge — State the facts clearly and objectively — the actions, the impact, the potential consequences. No judgment, just what’s true.

✨ Redirect (focus on the future) — Ask what they think, then actually listen. They may land on their own solution. This gives them ownership, so the change is theirs — not something their boss “told them to do.”

✨ Encourage — Acknowledge the change they’re making. Express real confidence in their ability to make a difference, somewhere the stakes are lower.